Episode 12: Marriage in Lockdown
This week on the podcast we’re pulling back the curtain on what marriage in lockdown has looked like for both of us. Not the projected reality, but the real reality and how lockdown has impacted our day-to-day interactions with our partners.
Mel shares about her cooking strike she went on this spring.
Gabby shares about how adjusting to NOT doing long-distance has been on her marriage (which is her normal with a touring husband!)
We talk about trying to balance household responsibilities and still trying to maintain the love and tenderness in our relationship. It’s HARD, and some times we do better at it than others. Would love to hear how you all navigate this.
We talk about Mel’s Ennegram 1 revenge fantasy (jokes!) and how marriage is a two-way street.
Gabby shares about the We’re Not Really Strangers card game that she and Chris recently used on a date night at home in lockdown. You can find the card game here.
We end with this question: what is one thing lockdown has taught you about your marriage? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or feel free to email us at makinganeffortpodcast@gmail.com
See ya next week!
>>> Click here to read the computer generated transcript (note that the transcript isn't perfect)
Mel: Welcome back to the Making An Effort Podcast, the podcast where you get to drop in on a conversation with two friends. Discussing all the things they back an effort with and some of the things they don't. And this week friends, we are going to talk about marriage in lock down today.
Gabby: What things you have to make an effort with.
Well, a real one. This is where the rubber hits the road.
Mel: And full disclosure. A couple of weeks ago, we were supposed to talk about...
Gabby: I was wondering if you were going to bring this up.
Mel: But I was pre-menstrual and was enraged with my husband. So it wasn't, like it, wasn't going to be an honest reflection of how I feel about marriage, um, is what I will say, but I've had my period. Yay. And now I feel different or more reasonable.
Gabby: Well, here's the real question. Are you still on your cooking strike?
Mel: Yes.
Gabby: We forgive, but we don't forget.
Mel: I'm on a cooking strike everybody. Now, before I tell you about the cooking strike briefly. I just want to disclaim also that our husbands know that we're going to talk about this stuff and.
Gabby: In fact, encouraged it.
Mel: Right. And we're not here to just have a full Seigel off session. Nope, Nope.
Gabby: We love our husbands and our marriages and we wanted to just keep it real with you guys.
because I just think that. Well, like I was telling Mel, but even before we got on that, I think that we, the way marriage is depicted to us, unless you have friends that you're going through it with marriage is, can be hard to really wrap your mind around because you get, you have like marriage books that are all about what marriage should look like, or, you know, what is aspirational about what a, how a marriage should be, or you've got.
TV and movies. And usually they're focusing on one specific element, um, which isn't always helpful when you're. On the kitchen floor crying after a fight. And wondering if any of your other friends are going through what you're going through and it's not just the fights, but like, you know what I mean?
You know what I mean? Like you get a lot of references to the quote unquote, nitty gritty, but you don't get to know what the nitty gritty is. And I feel like that's the part where yeah. We're just trying to demystify some stuff. Yeah. Yes.
Mel: I definitely, I definitely appreciate it. Those real honest conversations with friends where we can be really, you know, they're about our feelings, about the difficulties of marriage, and I'm also hold that in the same tone of, I really respect this person that I have decided to spend my life with. Um, and I'm in this, but this is where it's hard and this is why. Um, so I think that's what we want to do today is try and just kind of pull back the curtains for ourselves. And I guess it's also important for us to say that this is for us.
It's long-term relationship, it's marriage for other people. It might be a civil partnership for other people. It might be like a long-term partnership of some sort, but I guess that's what we're talking about is this for us? Marriage is our experience. So we're, that's where we're, that's the angle we're coming from and when we're talking about our own stuff.
So, uh, yeah. So yes, I am still on cooking strike. I have the worst family of aiders. Like they just. Edit my almost five-year-old for dinner. Like she eats really well the rest of the day, but for dinner, all she has is pepperoni pizza from Mazda. That's it. Every night I put on three quarter, like a quarter or a half of a pepperoni pizza.
Gabby: And it has to be from Asda?
Mel: It's her favorite. She really like, that's great. Other kinds of pizza. Oh, that's, that's a sure if he ever, and it's beside where we live, so there's that Levi's a great eater, but he. Is also tan. So he's going to be fussy too. Dave's the worst. He's the worst one? Um, I remember when Dave and I first got together, his mum said to me, I've maybe said this before in the podcast.
I don't think you have. I have I not. She said to me, you're this, his Aiden. It's going to be a real problem for you. And I've got on my Northern Irish mother voice that I did love and effort. His Aiden is going to be a real problem for you because you love food and you love cooking. And I was like, shut up.
We're in love. I will never, it will never be a problem. Um, and it's absolutely one of the biggest things that we've heard about because he's such a player neater. He doesn't like any. He doesn't eat pasta. He doesn't eat rice. He doesn't eat, um, any kind of sauces or spices. Everything is so plan and boring.
But his argument is that it's really easy. I should be grateful for it being so easy to cook for him.
Gabby: No, I don't agree with that. Dave, Dave.
Mel: I know anyway, that's so it all came to a head the week before last, when I took a lovely HelloFresh chicken pie out of the oven and Dave gagged it, me physically retched.
And I was just like, do you know what. Screw you guys. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm sick of this. I'm just everybody's food bitch and I'm not doing it anymore. Um, I mean, I completely half the rest of the day or the rest of the night and then. The next day just said, look, I'm taking a break. I will get pepperoni pizza in the oven and I will make myself dinner.
But you guys are on your own. Dave, you're responsible for Levi's footage on your own good luck to you because I've done this for 14 years and it's your turn.
Gabby: Just taking a sabbatical.
Mel: Oh, it's all. All my rage is starting to bubble up again, talking about it Gabby.
Gabby: This is, we have to, we have to like, you know, Reign ourselves in.
We can't let it get to that point. No.
Mel: Well, you did ask me.
Gabby: I did ask you.
Mel: Um, well, I, so I, I want to ask you, I want to ask you about marriage and lockdown. I think it would be interesting to hear, particularly since you're used to spending quite a bit of time away from each other or during the year to have spent a full year with each other, what that been like?
Gabby: You know, so people ask me all the time, like, well, not to sugar coat it.
They basically asked me how my marriage works with Chris being on the road, like 200 days of the year. Um, which is, uh, I guess fair enough if you've never seen a marriage play out that way before. Uh, but it works great. Um, I think partially because we're both. Well, especially I am a very independent person and I knew going into our marriage that if I chose to ever come off of the road, which I eventually did choose that, uh, that that would be a part of our reality.
And so, um, it has definitely presented itself in different ways, but mostly it's been. Just fine. The only time it wasn't fine was when Danny was born and I had just had a very traumatic C-section and Chris had to go on a Canada tour two weeks later. And. We don't have family nearby. And it was just the worst time and literally had to like unpack that we spent like the next year and a half to two years, like will all of our fights kind of came back to that. Do you know what I mean? Where you're like...
Mel: remember the time you abandoned me with our two week old? Gabby: The worst part was, the poor man, like, so we originally, he was supposed to be three weeks into the tour. By the time Danny was born, but because is really getting into it now because Danny wasn't planned, we had to call the tour and be like, Hey, can we please push this back so that Chris can be there for Danny's birth?
Um, and thankfully everyone was fine to move the tour back like a month and a half, but it did mean that. That there was no wiggle room after that because we had to pay our bills and we had to pay everyone else's bills. And we had made these commitments and contracts we had to fulfill, so he didn't want to go.
And it was super hard for him. And every single day he would have, if he had two days off, he would literally get off stage, get into an Uber and take a red eye internationally. To us to spend a very restless night with an infant and a wife who was like on her wit's end and then fly back to tour and do that for two months.
And so you can make it like an, I definitely did make it seem like, you know, he abandoned us, but it wasn't his choice. And also, uh, it's not like he didn't have to eat. A bit of the crappy situation as well. So, um, yeah, it was sorry. That was a really long tangent, but all that to say, being in lockdown together has been really, really fun.
And I think it has definitely been the highlight of 2020 is getting to see each other every day. However, it is also presented challenges because, um, We are just so used to so much alone time. Like, and so how do you make sure everyone gets their alone time or their time on their own while also still having a relationship while also still parenting while also getting everything done?
Like we've definitely have days where it's like, it feels like we just hand off Danny to each other and. We've we don't see each other the whole day. And it feels like that doesn't feel good either. But then we have days where we spend the whole day together and we are losing our minds because we just, we do value that time on our own and really need it to thrive.
So, I mean, that was really long. Wow.
Mel: No, that's so interesting. It's interesting that you really enjoyed having so much time together.
Gabby: No, I know. I mean, you'd almost think that, you know, it wouldn't pan out that way, but
Mel: our shock to the system, you know?
Gabby: Yeah. I think there were definitely times where it was, you know, especially when we were in Northern Ireland this summer and early, early autumn, we were just, it was, it was rough because we were in this tiny house.
Um, which we love, but there's like no, where to go away from each other. And especially when we were in lockdown, like just, we, our biggest fight was always like, you know, who got the most alone time that day?
Mel: Oh 100%. Right. And it, it becomes, and I think this is hopefully relatable. I mean, it is when I. Open up and talk about it with most people.
But that kind of like tallying thing, when that, I always know when that starts to creep in, then it's, it's never going to end. Well, like whenever you get into the routine of like calculating how many times they've done X, Y, or Zed, or had X, Y, or Zed, like. That to me is always like a real red flag that Dave and I are in decline, you know, and I think it's been a bit different for us.
And in that way are used to spending, we're used to spending so much time together. I work from home, he works from home. Now he would have been quite a bit more, but, you know, we just added the layer in over lockdown of. Homeschool and kids, but like, you know, most of the country has had to do as well. And it has, it's almost like what we talked about at the end of our last fight, which was like last week was, um, that actually our marriage can really get into like business.
Agreement territory. Like you're, it's just functional. It's like getting through the day and you are like trading off responsibilities. You're tracking, who's doing what so that you can make this whole system of your family life work for everybody, with your children mutually at the center of it. Um, because it's paramount.
Um, And it just becomes this like transactional business relationship where you're managing a home and you're managing a family together and it loses a real sense of tenderness of actual care for each other, or, yeah, just that like thoughtfulness, um, and gets into that tit for tat territory. Um, and just feels really.
Yeah, just, it's hard. It becomes really, really hard. And that's where we go. Like that's obsolete. They, where we have gone so many times during the lockdown, is that got kind of like, who's doing more. Yeah.
Gabby: Oh 100%. And I don't think that you're alone in that. I mean, that's what we're like to where. Uh, I it's so hard not to get into that mindset cause you kind of have to, to survive to a certain extent, but if it becomes a place where you start like getting better, that's not a real fun place to hang out mentally either.
Um, so it is it's tricky because you do have to divide up. These tasks and these things need to get done. And you want to have a partner that you can turn to, to get those things done without. Yeah, having it be emotionally charged, and it's really hard for it not to be emotionally charged when you're in the middle of a world pandemic and all your support systems are gone and all of your emergy is gone and yeah.
Yeah.
Mel: Kind of escape and reset the normal things that you would go to, you know, um, are just not there. And then you also have like, just the. The tech and over of a, of a life that needs to happen on the, you know, not really a skip in your four walls too much. And I don't know about you, but like our family and our marriage is best when we are.
Like outside. Yeah. Oh 100%. Like when we are outside and we are off on a day trip to the coast, or we are out for a walk together or something like we are absolutely resetting. We are at our best. Um, and you know, we have an, I mean, we have done more of that intentionally this year. I understand. But. It hasn't been easy today.
It hasn't been like that. You can't, you know, you just can't drop everything and do that all the time. No. Um, so I have, I've just felt like we have been together more, but there's been such deep.
Moments of disconnect. Yeah. Through this as well, where we have really had to like sort ourselves out properly, um, to, to intentionally go, let's try and be nice to each other this week.
That's trying to really think about each other with care and consideration this week. Like I could not have done this podcast last week. I was like, yeah. Nope. I'm going to leave you. And I go to full extremes. I'm like, I can't afford to live by myself. I could do this.
Gabby: It's like an Enneagram one thing? Where it's like, the way that you've vent is by like sorting out the logistics.
My revenge fantasy is a to do list.
Mel: Totally. I'm never going to leave. I mean, that's not, that's not the, it's not the reality.
But I was just like, I could do this on my own. You know, I'm not, that's not even true. Like I don't want to, you know, um, But you go through those thoughts and, and I'm sure he goes through those thoughts as well.
Gabby: Oh, he definitely does!
Mel: She's a torture.
I'm sick of this.
Gabby: Right now, he's all like I can make my own fish and chips. Every night.
Mel: Yeah, he was really smug about making himself beans and sausages last night.
Gabby: Um, you can't, you basically get sausages and a can of beans.
Mel: Oh, you can. That's disgusting. We were all about the butchers here, but, um,
Gabby: peasant, food.
Mel: And um, so I put, I put the sausages in the oven, uh, for him. And then he came in and said, have you turned the sausages? And I said, no. And he rolled his eyes. Right. And then he put beans in a sauce pan and put them on to hate. Baines up for himself, big beans. And I was furious that he had rolled his eyes at my house.
I could, it doesn't even need to frickin put the sausages on in the first place because I'm on strike. So I went in into the living room and sat down to eat my Curry that I had made for myself. Lovely. And he came over with the sauce pan of beans and he was like, I'm pretty sure this is karma. He had burnt the beans.
So I was like up yours mate. That's what you get for being an ungrateful, smug, brat.
Gabby: Oh my goodness!
Mel: And we just fight stuff like that. I mean, do you know what else I think is important to talk about is that. Like, and I say that you guys have this as well, like you and I both consider ourselves to be progressive feminist, um, women that are independent and able to, you know, make our own money and have our own jobs and run our own businesses and do all of that.
Um, and. I think whenever you, whenever your husband is like onboard with that. Yeah. It actually, sometimes it can, like, I'm not sure. I'm not sure how to articulate this well, but they like call you out on your feminism sometimes.
Gabby: Oh yeah, totally.
Mel: And I'm like, no, don't like, I won't say like, as in, they'll be really.
On it with things being equal.
Gabby: Yeah. Both ways. Oh, it's like when you get, when you get to that moment in a heated conversation and I try, what is, Oh yes. Chris is like, you can't have it both ways. You can't have me helping around the house and dismantling the patriarchy and complaining about how I do it, but yes, I can.
I'm like, no, that's still a thing. Like I can still critique your work.
Mel: Um, but there's some, sometimes there's like, I think also a mess. Understanding of what that equality is? Yes. No, it doesn't mean that I want us to, for everything to be separate and hard line, I still need softness. I still need like your empathy, your care, like tenderness.
It doesn't mean because things are, have to be so equal that it's, you know, like that. I think sometimes that's the danger. Isn't it? Yeah, that it becomes so about equality that it becomes this telling thing, or it becomes this like, yeah. That's no, I get that. That's just something that I've noticed.
Gabby: Welcome to our first ever ad break, except it isn't really an ad.
We've been doing this podcast for almost two months now. And several of you have kindly got in touch to ask if we have a Patreon to support us. So we've set one up and if you're one of those people and I've been enjoying the podcast, we just want to say thanks. We're hoping to do some fun stuff on our Patrion, like host live unedited recordings and have some zoom calls.
You can find all of this and more at www.patrion.com/makinganeffortpodcast. Thank you for making our first two months of podcasting, such a delight. Now back to the episode. So the, the other thing that has been really hard for us and locked down is, I mean, obviously this has been a very stressful and emotional year for everyone, but kind of going back to the Enneagram thing, and maybe I've already mentioned this on the podcast, but whatever, uh, we're both fours. And so our biggest issue is like who's taking up the most, the majority of the emotional real estate real estate.
Like it's like, no, it's my day to be sad. I get to be the bumpy one. You need to like, hold it together so that I can have my space to do my thing. And inevitably we have days where we collide on that. And that is kind of where we both feel like. The other person should be playing the tiny violin and they're not.
And so it's like, why don't you just understand?
Mel: And also maybe you should understand more because this is also your thing. Yeah. You are this way inclined.
Gabby: Yeah. We, I mean, it's gotten to the point now where it's so predictable, we laugh about it all the time where, you know, we'll say. Or we'll literally just like, look at each other and be like, it's my turn.
Mel: Dibs on melancholy.
Gabby: Yeah, exactly.
And you kind of were just like, okay. Yeah, we got to take turns here and support each other that way. But it is one of those things I never thought I would be talking about that. Like it. You know, with my husband some day, I thought I would just be feeling all of my fields. And I do for the fatal seeming, like all of my feelings, the whole range of them, no matter.
And that I was going to have this person who was just like, I mean, I would've never said this out loud, but I think on some level getting into marriage, I thought, you know, I'm gonna have this person who loves me unconditionally and they can just be my emotional punching bag and like, it's going to be fine.
Like I can just vent all of my Gabby-ness onto them and they're going to love me anyway. And that is very much true. However, Chris is still a person with his own needs and his own set of desires that if this isn't just a one-way street, and I think I definitely went into marriage, less aware of the two weeks street and more like, how does this marriage make me feel?
How does it make me arrive? How does it, and I. I would have never said any of this before getting married or even in my first year of marriage would be like, no, I'm a compassionate person. I care about the other person. But now in hindsight, I can definitely look back and be like, Oh, that's not what you cared about at all.
Mel: I totally. And is that something that Chris will call you at all? And like what's the, what's the thing that, Oh yeah. What's the thing that he like brings up the most that, yeah.
Gabby: Is there something, yeah, I mean, if this isn't the most, but like in this genre of difficult conversations that we have to have, you know, if he's having a bad day and then sometimes I come at him with something and he's like, can you not just see I'm ha I have enough, I've got enough on my plate.
I don't need, I don't have room for your emotions too. I, I love you. We can talk about this, but today's not the day. And it's kind of like, I mean, I never respond well to it. In the moment.
Mel: But you mean you don't go, Oh, honey, of course. Yeah. All right. Do you want some tea?
Gabby: But I also, like once I can kind of take a step back, I'm kind of like, yeah, that's fair enough.
Like, yeah. You're, you're allowed to have a bag day and to not have your partner, your wife, you know, kind of give you more things to worry about in the moment there's room for it all. There's time for it all, you know, there's time for everyone. So. Yeah. Um, yeah, it's, it's hard. I mean, what do you feel like has been, other than the cooking stuff?
What has been something that's been hard for you in lockdown?
Mel: I would say, well, one of the things that Dave and I regularly fight about is that I, um, I don't really listen to him very well. Hmm. I'm not, I'm not like good at paying attention. Or proactively giving him my attention. And that is true. That is true.
Is a big slice of humble pie for me to say that, um, and you know, often like the majority of fights that are instigated by Dave's frustration rather than mine, like his frustration will start with you. Haven't lifted your head off your phone all day when I've talked to you. Yeah, right. Yeah. And, and, and particularly this year, like in lockdown, because, so, I mean, and this is not me justifying it.
It will sound like that. Um, I'm not, um, maybe qualifying it in some way, but you know, like your man lifeline to other people outside of your family has been your phone. It has been Marco polo for us. And for some other friends that I'm really close to, um, And that, and for me, who has really close friends that I really need to be in touch with that's, that's been so important and like increasingly important and has really deepened friendships like ours, like mine with, you know, Ruth and Michelle and Estelle and Crystal and Tara, all those girls.
Yeah, my head has been in my phone and also. And then this kind of, I suppose, connects as well, is that I run my own business. Yep. And it's, you know, the, the kind of major income and our family and Dave has been amazing at just kind of, because his workload has been lighter. Yeah. Kind of monitoring the kids.
More than, than I have, because he knows that I have got to go up to the office and do the calls that people, you know, that people have paid for my support. And I got to keep this business running. Um, but then that also kind of blades obviously, and sometimes into outside ours. I mean, I've gotten much better at that, but it's what I'm, what I actually have noticed is that I'm not on my phone during work, but because my whole day has been connecting with people and talking to them and doing workshops and coaching and all of that. Um, I don't really want to talk. Yeah. Just want to sit and scroll when I'm. Downstairs. And that's not fair either.
Like I need a little bit of that, but I need to suck it up as well. Um, because you know, my, my husband deserves my attention and sometimes he'll like, so this is so embarrassing, but sometimes he'll catch me. And Caleb, he'll be talking to me and I'll be on, on my phone. And then he'll do like a moment of silence to acknowledge that I am not listening.
Like I am actually just still on my phone and then I'll look up and he'll be like, he'll give me the look. And I will like roll my eyes and put my phone away and then that's it. And the fight starts when I'm just like, Oh my God. So like there's a little bit like, there's a little bit of that. Yeah. So I think that for him, like not like he really, really loves when he, he has your full attention and that's, I've learned that.
Really the hard way, like we've been married for 10 years. I'm only getting how important that is this year, because it's been combined it this year. Yeah.
Gabby: I feel like I'm like mentally taking notes while you're sharing this room. Like, yes, same, uh, on that note though. So we are, I mean, very much like everyone else.
Running out of date night ideas, um, and, uh, capacity. Uh, so we actually ordered a game call by the person who runs the, we are not really strangers Instagram account, and I'll link that in the show notes, but Jess has an Instagram account. That's all about like vulnerability. And I say, she, I actually don't know that it's a woman who runs it.
Um, the account is all about vulnerability and, uh, I want to say. It's almost like, like it's almost like they are full of therapy prompts. Um, okay. So there's a card game that goes with it and there's kind of, we are not really, strangers are not really strangers. Okay. No, if you can get it in the UK, but I feel like you probably can off their website anyway.
Uh, but it is like, it's intense. So. I mean, it's good, but it's intense. So there's three. Sorry, I can't see it.
Mel: It is this? I'm showing Gabby. It's that?
Gabby: So that is the Instagram account. And then they kind of did a spin off a game card game to go with it and it is just conversation questions.
So there's three, um, three. Decks of cards and you can play them with anyone. Uh, but the first, the first step is about your impressions. So like a question would be like, what was your first impression of me? Or what do you think my goals are for my life? Or, you know, things like that. Yeah. Um, and then the second one I want to say is.
Connection where it's, it's like, uh, the, the questions are a little bit more intense than they're a little bit more about your relationship with the other person. And I would say the last one's reflection. So, you know, we kind of hop to that one right away after we did it for a few of the first level ones.
And then we skipped to that. And they're more questions like what has been good about this last year for you or. Questions like that, where, and we decided when we, before we even started the game, we were like, okay, we know this is going to be cheesy. We know this. There's going to be some intense questions on here, but we're just going to enter into the spirit of the game, like fully.
So like for example, uh, there's the beginning, the way you decide who goes first is you do a staring contest. Okay. So it's like, whoever looks away first has to draw the first card.
Mel: And is also dead inside.
Gabby: Yep basically.
Mel: Is afraid of vulnerability, intimacy.
Gabby: or like, there was like one card we picked up and it was like wild card, a hug for 30 seconds. And we were like, okay, like we, we did it because we were like, we, like, I poured a glass of wine. Chris had some sparkling water, because that's how would he be? And, um, yeah, it was just, it was kind of fun. I mean, I, I wouldn't say it was like we had up talking for an hour and a half, which I feel like was actually pretty good.
Cause normally we just like turn on 30 rock again and that's fine. And that's great, but yeah. It was good to have like a conversation that wasn't just like, how was your day? I dunno. How was your day? Okay. You know?
Mel: I know. We don't even have those conversations. I mean, we do and tiny snippets, but it would be so good to have that kind of intentional focus.
It was funny one of my best days, um, at the beginning of lockdown, kind of before everything kicked off, they bought a hot tub and she said, it's been like, Amazing for their marriage because it like her and her husband, their kids go to bed. They go out together and obviously you're in the water. So you're not bringing your phone night.
There's no distractions. And they just sit outside and have the best chats. Um, or at least they're like together, but they're not like watching TV, just there. And I just, I just love that idea that you kind of can be creative, obviously hot tubs, a big layer, but, um, but stuff like that, I'm still trying to convince Dave that we need to get a hot tub.
Um, we rented one at Christmas and it gave everybody a rash. Gabby: So wait, seriously, you didn't tell me that. No. All I heard was all I saw were like these little Marco polo videos of like a super happy Mel. Mel: We did, we did have a really amazing time and that's the thing. We absolutely loved it. It was the best idea. It really mirrored a weird Christmas, so much more light and fun to have, and the kids loved it, like going back to the top and the garden.
Um, but the company that we, uh, Rented it from didn't give us any chemicals or chlorine to keep the water healthy. And so by the end of the week was disgusting and we didn't really realize, like this is supposed to be treated every single day, pretty much. So we all like came out in rashes.
And so Dave, who is a six on the Enneagram and is entirely risk averse. I was just like, I'm never getting into a hot tub ever again. And I'm like, well, not even like at a spa. Nope. They're filthy never again. And I'm like, but what if we get one that's our own that we can control ourselves.
Gabby: And our own chemicals!
Mel: Right.
Bring up, bring our own control to it. Wink, wink.
Gabby: Keyword control. Yeah. So that didn't work?
Mel: Well, it's starting to work. Okay. It's, it's a slow chip. This is the thing with Dave is that, and it's, it's like the best thing about him because it slows me down, but it's also the most infuriating is that he is an automatic resistor.
Uh, so he will like, he will automatically give a hard no to something. And then it takes just little by little. Talking him through. And usually it takes someone else from outside of our family thinking it's a good idea for him to be like, Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, no, you're right. Yeah. It's kind of exhausting.
Gabby: Same. I dunno why.
Mel: I'm like that. But I get it. I do get it. He's very cautious. Um, but he keeps us alive. That's what he always says. He does. He keeps us alive. You know, like he will be the one that's like assessing every risk possible when we go on a holiday or, you know, when we go anywhere. Yeah, it's a bit of a running joke that when we're away with friends and stuff, um, as long as Dave is there the rest of the year, I don't skin show.
Cause so we'll be, we'll be making sure everybody see, Oh my goodness. That's amazing. True.
Gabby: Never switch it off.
Mel: He doesn't switch off from that ever. So you can imagine hyphen a global pandemic.
I actually he's really, um, I think, uh, uh, it's it's for any ground sexes, it's almost like, well, the worst has happened and here we are, and I've got this and they really come into their own.
Yeah. But yeah, it's not, I mean, I. Yeah. There've been all kinds of good things to come from, locked dine as well. I think the, the hard stuff brings EIT. What's good. Yeah. And that's usually just like the long way around of learning how you, how you work and how the other person yeah. Nature.
Gabby: Yeah. I mean, what, okay.
We can maybe finish with this, but, uh, what's one thing you've learned about your marriage this last year that you don't, that you don't think you would have learned without lockdown?
Mel: Hmm. One thing I've learned about my marriage, um, I think that we're, we're actually a really good team. Yeah. You know, like as much as it can really swing the other way and to just function when chips are dying, we are really good team.
Yeah. You know, we definitely, we definitely can rely on each other um, for stuff where we really are a good team when the chips are dying. Lovely. Yeah. Yeah.
Gabby: Um, I think that's a really good one. I that's actually, I mean, yeah. I think that's kind of what everyone would hope for. And I know it's definitely not everyone's reality.
Oh, it's hard one though.
Mel: It wasn't an easy realization.
Gabby: No, for sure. And I'm didn't mean to take anything away from that at all. It's just like, that's a good, that's a good one. Um, I think for us, I mean, on a, on a very deep, but I do think that we've similarly to you guys realize that we're happiest when we're outdoors as a family.
And just like, we love having like no plan days, you know, where you just kind of. Don't you say no to everyone's text messages or in every, you don't have work calls or emails and you just kind of, uh, you know, have a lazy breakfast and then go for a walk or a hike or pick up like a takeaway on the way home or, you know, there's something about, you would think that at the end of a year of being together all the time, that that wouldn't be fun.
Um, But I think the reality is like, yeah, we're together all the time, but there's not oftentimes there hasn't been intentionality behind it or there is just like trying to get through the day trying to survive another week, which is, yeah. It's, I mean, that's everyone's reality and you have to do that.
That's not, that's not a negative, but I think. What we, what we realized is like, just because we're together all the time doesn't mean that we're enjoying each other all the time. So trying to create environments where we can do that as a family. And I think it's just even like, even Danny, like he loves it and you can tell he's happier, we're happier.
And it kind of just resets us for the week if we get to do that. And I think that's something that we'll definitely be taking into. A non quarantine life for sure.
Mel: Oh yeah. My friend Lacey, um, Coles the, that, um, S M S so she calls at sites of mutual fulfillment. So like those places for your family, um, or you can go where everybody feels like their needs are being met, you know, like where everybody feels like they get, they're happy, you know, for us, it's like, um, The beach, right?
Like more like the coast to Northern Ireland. There's really good food and really good coffee tech for Mel there's outside space. Um, for Dave to like, have a walk, kick a ball around, go for a swim in the say, tick there's the safe or Levi to body Borden, tick there's seashells on the beach. So ADA is like a little magpie for tick.
It just ticks everybody's box. It's a site of mutual fulfillment. And I think that's a massive key for reset. Isn't it? Yeah. Connect and back together is those places and that. Time or everybody feels like their needs are being met away. But yeah, I love that so much. Wow. Hmm. Did Lucy come up with that by herself?
Well, she's a, she's like an expert on that, um, unschooling and all of that kind of stuff. We can link her in the show notes.
Gabby: Let's do it. I mean, awesome. That's amazing. Um, well I hope you guys have enjoyed this episode on. Us being real about our lockdown marriages. And, uh, if you have anything you'd like to share, please do.
Mel: Okay. We, we really love hearing from you guys and getting your emails. We had an email, um, a little bit ago from Anthea who said, Hey, a Mellon GABA. You just want to say hi and thank you for your podcast. Um, I've admitted to lesson, but hadn't had the chance, but I'm currently on the tram between city and between Sydney and Canberra and Australia.
And I'm churning through all the episodes. I particularly love minimalist and maximalist, and weirdly started bawling my eyes out in a nice way. Um, thank you for sharing and allowing us listeners to feel like we're part of the conversation. Like we're all sitting in a comfy laundry room together somewhere so high from the tree in to wherever you both are and hope you have a great day.
Um, So nice. Yeah. So emails like that are lovely. So feel free to send us, a wee message at makinganeffortpodcast@gmail.com, um, or a voice memo that you can email us as well. All the details to do that are on our website as well, makinganeffortpodcast.com. Um, and until next time, we'll see you next time.
Bye. Bye everybody.
