Episode 07: Making Friends As An Adult
This week on the Making An Effort Podcast we talk about the highs and lows of making friends as an adult and why it can feel so hard at times.
The reality is, there aren’t a ton of show notes for this week’s episodes. We had the PLEASURE of hearing from some of our listeners as they shared some of their own experiences with making friends in midlife. We’re going to be doing more of these episodes where share voice clips from all of you, and they will always be a little longer than our usual 30 minute segments.
However, even if we don’t specifically as for voice memos, you lovely people are ALWAYS welcome to submit voice memos with your thoughts. You can do so here.
Overall, we really hope this episode encouraged you and made you feel like everyone is in the same boat. The trials and joys of making friends is universal and no one has it all figured out. All any of us can do is just go out there and be ourselves! Thanks for listening!
>>> Click here to read the computer generated transcript (note that the transcript isn't perfect)
Hello, and welcome to the making an effort podcast, the podcast about all the things we make an effort with on some of the things we don't. Uh, my name is male, and this is Gabby. And this week we are going to talk about making friends as. And adults
Oh my goodness. I feel like we've been waiting to have this, uh, this episode recorded for such a long time. We've been talking about this for such a long time. Yeah. I definitely think this is one of those topics. Like when, even before we started the podcast, we were like, we definitely want to talk about this because it is something that I think so many people do kind of.
I have to Wade through as an adult, it's a, an. And it isn't always smooth sailing, at least it hasn't been for me. Yeah, Sam. Absolutely. I think it's, it's fascinating. And what we have loved is that we put a bit of a call out. To you guys, um, this is our first time incorporating your voices and your stories into the podcast.
And we're so excited to do that. And so, first of all, we want to say a massive thank you to everybody who submitted a voice note for this. Um, we had so many more than we were thinking. I think at one stage, as we talked about doing this Gabby and I were like, look, if nobody responds, we'll just like pay our friends to do that.
Okay. And then a whole bunch of you got in touch and, and then we have come to the tricky, uh, point where we're like, Oh, we can't include everything that's been submitted, even though we want to, because it would mean that this episode would be ours long. Um, And so we've just had to kind of pick out ones that we maybe thought everybody would relate to in some way, or that we've connected with and has been connected to our own experience of making friends as a grownup.
So, um, just a massive thank you for, for everyone who did, who did send us a message. Yeah. Thanks so much. We, um, Are just so grateful every time you guys send, uh, like submissions or emails or DMS, honestly, it means so much. We end up reading those together and it just like, I don't, I'm not trying to be cheesy, but it does just feel like we're making friends and making kind of pen Val.
Type friends with all of you because, uh, yeah, it's just, it's been fun. So should we dive in? I think what we're going to do this episode is we're going to play some of your voice notes and then we're going to chat about them relating to maybe our own experience. Um, and so the first one that we were going to play is from, uh, Marianne.
Hi, this is Mary I'm. Just trying to share my experience with you guys, but making friends as an adult, um, I moved to new city. New country a couple of years ago. And I'd say I got really lucky, um, meeting some amazing people and making good friendships. Um, but those friends happened to move away in the last year.
Um, and it's been really hard just trying to go through that process again of. Meeting new people deciding if there's potential for, um, a good friendship there. And then having to invest like time and emotions and being vulnerable with someone new, um, trusting someone new, um, in the hopes of coming out with a really good friendship.
So it is definitely worth it. It's just almost draining. Trying to do that at this point, I just accepted that. I have really amazing friends all over the world, so totally fail Merriam on that. Do you? Yeah, I, I so relate to that. I feel like a little bit, so a little bit about my background. I grew up moving around my whole life and never really lived in.
One place more than five years. So a lot of my journey with making friends, if you will, is very much characterized by those experiences for me. And I do. And like we moved to Nashville five years ago. And I think that that has been Nashville is such a transient city. Um, people come and go all the time and it is like, it is so hard.
You can kind of invest in these friendships and then they go away. Um, and you, you end up feeling like you are starting from scratch again. And that is so hard. It's so hard. And. I actually want to just bring up another voice note that we're not going to play, but we got from Julia as well. Hi, Julia. Um, and she was talking about this in a different way.
Like she was talking about something similar in that, um, particularly when you live in a big city, it can often feel like it's. Easier to make friends. Then if you go to small times or you could come back to your hometown after you've been away at uni and everybody who's all like stayed here, still has maintained those friendships from school.
And you kind of feel like it's really hard to penetrate. Those relationships like, yeah. So the whole thing about like big city is yeah, everybody's transient and coming and going and you kind of have to keep starting from scratch, but I think people are just much more open to you to make and friends in bigger cities because of that knowledge actually like no one that friendships are gonna kind of be fluid.
Yeah. I, I, okay. Here's the thing though. Like I totally relate to Merriam. As well in the fact of, okay, so I do have like a tea. I do have a handful of really close friends here in Nashville, um, that I've kind of made over the years, but before those friendships were really super deep, I remember kind of similar similarly thinking like, okay, well my core people are other places.
So the friends that I have here are just people I hang out and do stuff with. Uh, do you know what I'm saying? Where you're like, where like the people, like I connect on the super deep stuff that know me are in other places and we can kind of have that long distance relationship, but the people that I like hanging out with on a day-to-day basis, Are, you know, they're great, but we're just not at that level yet.
So they're just more like people that I filler friends, you know, like we, we go out for dinner, we have each other over, um, obviously like that is how you kind of get to know people more and those friendships get deeper. But I do think there is kind of like that transition period where it's like, you're still, like, you still kind of rely on those older friendships as your.
Really, you know, making new ones. Um, anyway, I thought that was a really good, yes. And I think that, that last bit of what she said is, so I guess just a beautiful realization that you have to make pace with having friends all over the world. Yeah. Or like having friends really kind of spread out and having all of these beautiful, deep friendships with people that you've had these formative experiences with that just aren't in your.
Yeah. And your every day, you know, well, that's how we became friends. Like we, like, I would consider you one of my closer friends now. And like, we, you know, don't really see each other twice a year on a non COVID here on a pandemic year and we still got to see each other once this year. But, um, yeah, I think you can totally have.
Real and meaningful friendships with people, even if they're not in your day-to-day life, but I do get what, like, it does make a difference. Like having people pop around or being able to like be there for you physically as well. It's really, really hard when friends move away. And I do even find, like, I struggle with that.
I struggle with like, if one of my friends is like, We're thinking of moving or I'm like, Ooh, I don't want that to happen. You know, I'm like, please don't go, please don't change things. Um, but then I've also been that person, you know, like that has been the one to move at or the one to leave and, you know, disrupt, you know, levels of friendships as well.
Uh, yeah, so it's, it's tricky. And I think that. It's just more and more common and more and more normal that people are going to move around and I'd have to establish new relationships. You know, I suppose that's kind of the bright side of everyone moving around a lot is there's probably a ton more people who are in the same boat than you realize, because we are so transient these days, like jobs take us different places.
Life takes us different places more than it ever has before. And I'm. I mean, I, I feel like Nashville is a little bit of an anomaly because people are coming and going from here all the time, but the results has been, you know, there's kind of this collective understanding of, you know, we all just moved here and we're all, we're all making friends and we're all figuring it out together.
And I don't know, maybe that could be a silver lining. Oh, it absolutely is. I definitely felt that when I moved to London, it was, it was that sense of like, yeah. We're all going to the park today for a picnic and a drink. And I'm bringing this friend from this thing and this friend's going to meet us.
That's your friend. And yeah, it was all just very easy and natural because everybody was in the same boat of we're in this big city. We don't know a whole bunch of people, so let's all just make friends together, you know, all of that kind of stuff. And I remember coming back to Northern Ireland, um, After living in London for several, several years and feeling I cry, I remember crying, like being so lonely because all of these girls, you know, probably that I'd met through church or Dave and Dave's friends, wives, and things like that were so lovely, but they all.
Had known each other for so long and it had all of these experiences together. And I was just like, I am never going to fail. Like I, um, As we as woven into this bunch of people as they are a it's like 15 years later. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and they are all such beautiful, important people in my life. And you kinda just have to realize you got to start somewhere.
Yeah. You do. To get those relationships. Okay. Shall we play another, another voice note? This one is from Sarah. Hi, that girls. Aye. Have made so many friends as an adult and actually as a 40, nearly 48 year old woman, I think I've probably made more significant friends in the last eight to 10 years of my life than I ever made in my teens and twenties and my early thirties.
And I think it's because I know myself so much better and I know. What I'm looking for in friendships. And I know what my boundaries are and what is good for me and what I need. And I have found a wicked bunch of women who fulfill those needs for me. And I would say actually my four best, best girlfriends that I have are women that I have.
Really got to know very well, just in the last five years. I love that. I think that is probably one of my favorite, uh, messages we got this whole week. It was just, I think it confirms what I like already suspected was that, like, you don't make all of your best friends in your twenties all the time. Like they can totally be first twenties, but like, we all have like, Are, I mean, like life is stretching out before us, and there's so many opportunities for deep and meaningful friendships throughout.
Well, that's what I was going to say. And I was going to actually tell you about my mom. So when we moved to Canada for the first time in 1992, my mom was early forties, like maybe mid forties and she made. Her best, best, best friend then. So my auntie Moe, who is like my bonus mom, um, was my mum's Ryder diabesity, um, like for the rest of her life, like they just were like sisters.
Um, and I just love that, that. You know, when I think about the friendships we have now and the friendships that we can still have. Like, I love thinking about my mom and my auntie Moe, because they're, they were in their forties, like meeting for the first time from completely different cultures, completely different backgrounds and everything.
And. They made a friend for life and they, you know, I just think that's so, so cool. And I love that Sarah has talked a little bit about how you actually know yourself so much more, so you kind of know what kind of friendship you're looking for. I love that. Yeah. It's kind of like, like, you know, when you meet someone romantically, when you're older, I feel like I have friends who, when they've met their romantic partner, Um, in like later in life, they just tend to date for like so much less time.
And like, no, like if they just need to break up with someone or move the relationship along, it's that self-awareness factor that kind of lets you know, who your people are that I think is so healthy. And so like worthy of leaning into, you know. Yeah. I love that. Um, and just. Yeah, you, you don't really have the same time either.
That's the other thing, like, I, I definitely relate to that whole, like, I don't really have a whole lot of space in my life for cultivating new relationships in the sit with the same intensity that I maybe had when I was in my twenties, obviously. Yeah. Actually, when you were talking about being in college or uni, um, in.
Uh, London and talking about like, you know, you're meeting up with a friend and she's bringing a friend and that friend's bringing you a friend and it's like, they're all just these bonus friends. I was actually just thinking how like 21 year old Gabby would have loved that, but 31 year old Gabby's like, No stranger danger.
I only invited you bring someone else. Why are you bringing like five other people? And I don't know if that's just like, plage thing that like, it's just, for some reason the stakes just feel higher. And I don't know, like if that's a real thing or if that's just something that I have like, decided is true, but yeah.
I don't know. Oh, no, completely. Like back in the day, I would have been like, yeah, more the merrier. Let's see where the day brings us. Like, let's see what happens. Um, where will we end up tonight? Uh, but yeah, in my thirties I'm like, no, I only invited you. Like, I want my quality time with you. Um, because literally I have scheduled this in for two weeks.
No, I know. And I'm so looking forward to it and, Oh, it's it's Chris is like biggest fear. So like whenever we get invited around people's houses, He'll be like, but who's going to be there. And I'm like, Dave, just to see him. I'm like, why are you so suspicious? Like, we should just go to someone's part like this is, you know, before COVID we should just go to people's house and have a good time.
It's like, no, like I need to know who's going to be there. I need to know if like there's going to be strangers. Um, and yeah, I do think it's just something that happens. When you get a little bit older and that would explain why at my birthday party in October, would you guys were over and we went out for dinner.
Cause I got to sneak in a dinner right before lockdown happened again for my birthday and Gabby and Chris Kim. And obviously the tables were all spread out. Um, yeah, we were ushered into the restaurant part and. Literally before anyone could ever like do anything. Chris and Dave were at a two-person, there was only one, two person, two people, and they just plopped themselves down together.
You and I just looked at each other and we're like, Oh, I mean, okay. Okay. You guys go enjoy. And it wasn't even like a table that was like next to ours where we could like, wait, it was literally like halfway across the room. They were just having their dinner anyway. Yeah. But you can, you can tell that that would have completely suited them.
I mean, they don't know each other that well, so there was probably an element of, they were on a first date. They were on a first date and it meant that they didn't have to talk. To anybody else, which is probably ideal for both of them. Yep. Yep. Hey, who both tater around that? Any gram five? Yeah, suspicion level with DFP NSX and crispy and a four, right?
They do connect on the, on the five wavelength, wavelength. Um, but speaking of friend dates, we actually have a message from Maryanne that I think is. So we should get a segway guy, but yes, I can you believe I did that, that seamlessly. So prior to you, I met a really good friend of mine at a work meeting.
Where we never met each other before and we sat done and somehow it gets straight into the friend zone. It was no work talk to be fun. And I walked away. And again, that was the best work meeting I've ever had. So we did a couple more times of meeting up under the pretense of work, but really, I just wanted to hang out with her.
Um, I'm trying to figure out, like, how do I, how do I say this into a, like, do you want to, do you want to go for dinner? Um, it felt so weird. It was almost like, like we were, I was asking her out on a debt. Um, thankfully she took the plunge and invited me my partner for dinner with her and her partner. And.
We had a great time. Um, and then even after that, You know, all I kept thinking was, is it too soon to ask to see her again? I don't want to come on too strong. Um, does she, does she like me as much as I like her? Um, I think we made it through that awkward dance, um, on her now. I really good friends. Um, but.
Yeah, it was, it was so strange making friends as an adult. Oh, I love that so much to me too. Definitely think of a few people in my life currently, who I have that kind of like tenuous, like not like in a negative way, but just like, can we be friends? Like, I think she's so cool. And I think that, you know, In my head, we would get along really well, but I just don't know if she feels the same way.
And it's like to the point where it's like, anytime I like, see her name, show up in my DMS or like in my, on my tech or like on my phone and my text messages, I'm like, Oh, it's, it's from her a little, a little goosebumpy. And then you're like, it's so much like Dayton though. Whenever it comes, especially in adult height is so much like dating that whole, like.
Uh, you know, coming on too strong. I love that. Um, Oh, totally. Do I seem like, I definitely felt like that with you a little bit. Whenever we first started hanging out or talk and I was like, okay, like I basically have, you know, Muscled my way and to be in France with you. Um, we all know that I don't think you muscled your, there was no muscling.
There was nothing to muscle against. I was not resistant to it. Yeah. At all. No, I know, but I wanted to be your friend, but I was just like, and I also, I think I felt that that sense of like, Oh, she must come to Northern Ireland and just fail maybe lonely at times if, you know, without it being. Oh, for sure.
Not your. Natural habitat or, and I know what it's like whenever you come to Northern Ireland, having lived somewhere else and it's so close knit and all the rest of it. Anyway, that was, that was like high felt. Whenever we were first becoming friends. I was like, Oh, I don't want to be too far, like want to come over.
But I also want to give a little shout out to workplace friendships that Maria and I give a nod to because I'm at my absolute right or die bestie at work. Yeah. Um, when I worked at a gym, which you have heard about in previous episodes, and if you haven't listened to that episode, you should, because I worked at a gym and crystal was my, was also worked on the front desk with me.
And we were going into, I may have actually talked about this in the last episode, but, um, we're going into maintenance and. I needed a pan and she had a pan. And then like, that was it. And that was the one that was some of like the best times of, of my young adult age was when we worked at, when my, like when crystal and I worked together at this gym, we just had them fast time.
And that has forged a friendship where we actually have lived away from each other more than we have lived. Near each other and continue, like I was, I went to Canada and this was in Canada. I went to Canada last year to be in like, be a bridesmaid for her in her wedding. And she came over here for my wedding 14 years ago and yeah.
Um, all that kind of stuff, but it all started at work. Yeah. And kind of a shitty job.
When, you know, you know, I'll say that like the band with like Chris's band, our band mates. I don't know that I've maybe I'll regret saying this because I'm forgetting someone, but I don't know if I've like ever had a work friend that is like broken through just the at work barrier. Hmm. To be honest, like I have people that I've enjoyed working with and like hanging out with, but I don't know if I've had people who have like then found themselves like, you know, in my, in my normal life.
Hmm. Because, um, I actually got a, a WhatsApp message from. My husband's cousin, Raymond, shout out to Raymond. The only dude that responded to our coal light for voice note submissions. Well, we didn't, we didn't include him. Um, actually I could include him if you want. I could hold up the voice or phone. Do you want to let's do it.
Let's go. So I'm going to play this. As an adult at work, I find just the strangest thing in the world. Like, are these people, obviously your friends. Well, like you have no choice as to who these people are and they seem like they're your friends, because every day you eat lunch together and you chat about your family and what's going on in your life, but then it gets to 5:00 PM and you both just go off and lead completely separate lives.
I just faded the weirdest thing in the world. I mean, shout out to Raymond. That was a really solid point. That is exactly how I feel. I think there's the element of not being able to choose the people is hard for me. Like I struggle with the spontaneity of it. Like most of my friends are people that I have.
Chase down or pursued in some way and work people are, they can be great and awesome and whatever, but I think also there's part of it where it's like, you spend so much time with these people. You want to like, even out the balance of hanging out with. People outside of your workplace because you're with them all the time.
I know, like with the band we have, like, we make the conscious effort. Well, especially when we're like on a touring year where we're like, okay, we'll just because we all spent like all this time on tours together and have seen each other every day, we need to do something fun. And as a community, not work, work related.
Um, so that those friendships stay feeling, you know, connected and real, but yeah, I totally totally resonate with that. Um, I think it's, it's quite a rare and precious experience when a work friendship can. Infiltrate a real life outside. Oh yeah. That's yeah. That's a rare and precious thing. Okay. So we've got another message from the lovely Hannah for me, the hard thing about having friends as are grown up and making friends is the, I moved.
To a whole new place when I got married and had to make a whole new group of friends. So I now feel like I've got two separate friendship groups, the people who I live with and hang with now, these kind of new friends who know everything about my day to day and what's going on my life. Now. I know nothing about my past, really.
Um, and my old friends who are like my best friends, you know, every single story from my past feel like they really know. No me, but they don't know my day to day. And then in my day-to-day kind of activities and I find that really hard. Oh, did you hear, did you hear the baby in the bucket? When she emailed us a newborn baby, she said she was holding him.
She said that our voice put, uh, her baby to sleep, which I'm like she literally Lynch or not every time I get messaged from Hannah, she's like, You've done it again, girls I'm like, I may have saying. And what, um, I also think before we get stuck again to this, we have one another message that, um, from Nicole that's around the same things, or if we play that as well, I think that would, yeah.
Bring them together. One of my total best days as a Fran that I met through, um, our husbands who were friends first, we kind of met accidentally through that and just clicked. Um, we've been like so close ever since talk most days, tell each other everything. Um, but yeah. The, one of the things I find weirdest about it is the fact that like, I wasn't her way out and she wasn't at mine, no ham parties, but don't have any like shared experiences before having kids being married.
Um, I like, I didn't even know until like Las Vegas, what she even did at una. I'm like, I kind of like baffles me that, like, I don't know anything about like her. Like family life, like all the things you would have known if you had grown up no one somebody. So I find that really weird, but it's really exciting too, because you get to find out and you coast off a bite someone, but you do kind of feel like you've missed this chunk.
And I'm just like, I wish I could go back and get my ID with her there. And it just seems so weird that she wasn't there. Yeah. Again, so those like relationships that, there's just something about those friends that. Have you've grown up with, and they know like the context of your family and the places you've lived and the big kind of things that happen.
And then there's this other big section of your life where, you know, there's, there's these people who know you as you know, and don't know any of that. And it is quite baffling. Isn't it? When you think about there are some, and you get to know those little bits and pieces of. Your friends that you're super close to NY and you get to know their past gradually.
It's just, it is just so weird. Yeah, no, it really is. I think too, like, yeah, one of my friends here says it all the time. Like when she moved to Nashville, one of the things that was hardest for her was she lost all of her friends who knew her before she had kids. And so everyone, she was meeting here and Nashville.
Just knew her as like, you know, her kid's mom or somebodies mom. Yeah. And didn't know where, like who she was before. And I think that is like something that is, you know, Important to people like you want to have the full picture you want your friends to, you would like to imagine that your friends truly know who you are and have a full picture of who you are.
And I think that ones in particular is a little bit harder for me to relate to with just I've always moved and I've always had different friends every few years. Um, and so for me, it's actually really. Like weird to think about people who have known me. I don't even know if I can think of anyone who's known me from like, when I was a kid.
I definitely have, I have one friend who I stay with, stay in touch with semi-regularly, who I met in high school. And I think that's like, Eh, like there aren't there, isn't a huge list, you know? Yeah, totally. Sam and I want to kind of, I know this isn't going to be relevant for everyone, but I guess, I mean, for us, it is, but for, for me in particular, I know that a lot of my close friends night are often.
They're not, they don't revolve around us all having kids, but there's definitely an element of closeness that, that is brought into the relationship because our kids can hang out together as well. Yeah. You know, like I definitely, there are like, um, I'm co I'm closer to a whole bunch of girls because.
Well, I wouldn't be close to them if I didn't like them. That's for sure. And if I didn't like, if we weren't on the same page and we have length, but. It definitely helps to have people that you really like, who also are at the same stage of life as you, you know, with kids, um, that you can, you know, just send a text out, like an SOS safety in numbers, text where you're just like, I need safety in numbers today.
I can, we can meet at the park because I need your kids to entertain my kids and vice versa. And like, I'll get a coffee, I'll meet you there. Kind of thing. I think that those have been really important friendships for me, for sure. At this stage in life. Yeah. Even just like, and I know it doesn't, it doesn't have to matter, like, it doesn't have to be a, like a very important thing, but there is something about having, being in the same exact stage of life that can be really bonding.
You know, when I had Danny, all of my friends either didn't have kids yet, or they had kids who were like, You know, five years older than Danny. And I kind of found myself in this position where I was doing the new mom thing kind of on my own. Um, and it wasn't until let's see, I want to say like two years ago I met my friend Connie and we both have sons like more or less the same age and she's got a daughter.
Uh, a year younger than Danny and that friendship. Like I remember, I mean, she's amazing and she's awesome in her own. Right. But just like, she's kind of my person, I, I text when I'm like trying to figure out what to do with Danny. I don't want to just like, you know, go to McDonald's again. And usually it's like, It's cause I know I'm going to have a really good time and our kids are going to have a good time.
And there's just something about like, you know, everyone's happy everyone's making, everyone's hanging out with one of their friends and it is just so good. It is special. Yeah. And I don't actually remember that. That was a big thing for my mum though. Do you know? I don't remember that being a thing for her, you know, that she was hanging out with the mums of my friends.
Or the, yeah, I was like forced into French switchback kids pretty much are because I, you know, I liked this person. I don't know. Totally. My mom, like she was, yeah. Yeah. She was like really big into like the mom play date experience and like, A lot of our closest friends were, and it was awesome though. It was like, kind of like having a second mom, cause like some of these women, you know, we would just, my mom would be like, Oh, I've got to do this.
Can I like drop the kids off? Or, you know, we'd have sleepovers. It was, it was really fun, especially when you don't live in a city where you have, uh, Family and town like, it's so good. Especially when you have kids to have those friendships where you can just be like, Hey, I don't really want to hire a babysitter for this like 40 minutes thing I have to do, or like this, you know, checkup or whatever.
Could you just like, hang out with them? My child while I get this thing done. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I have that. Um, obviously not. I really miss being able to just be like, I know when could you take my kids for half an hour till I do this thing? Um, but I don't feel like my mom necessarily had that, but I, but I definitely.
Like so many of my friendships that I see on, on, uh, on the most regular basis are because we're kind of, we have children the same age and we're kind of in the same place. And we really enjoy each other's company. Like there's a trifecta of things that crossover that make it really, really easy to, you know, to be in those friendships, um, which is a really good space for us to bring in.
Heather's message chips and adulthood have been really a challenge for me. I'm super friendly and I connect with people at fast, which is nice, but forming those deeper friendships has been kind of difficult. Um, there's this kind of, you have to have your tribe mentality among adult women, and it's always felt a little bit like middle-school clicks to me.
And so, um, there's just this kind of idea that once you have your tribe, then you're like set for life. And so sometimes it can be kind of hard to integrate into some of those groups and really feel like you've formed a deep bond. I had to try to stop looking for like couple friends and like a group of friends and just focus on the people that I'm connecting with.
Um, and that's kind of helped. Um, and then the other thing is that. I have always been a, kind of a different phase of life than people, my age. So we had our first son at 22 and our second son at 25. And so while other people in their twenties were living like the couple life with no kids and that kind of stuff, we were raising two small boys.
And now the people that I connect with a lot of times are having, you know, baby, their first baby, or they have toddlers and that kind of stuff. And so it can be very challenging sometimes when I have a 16 and 13 year old and my friend has a five and a three-year-old, um, it's just kind of, um, put some challenges that I wasn't expecting in adult friendships.
I'm so glad that Heather kind of. Talked about that whole idea of having to have like, you know, your girl gang of best days and you know, that whole sex in the city, you know, thing like it's such a fantasy really. Um, and isn't, it just isn't real life. Is it like, there are so few, um, People I know who have that.
And I think that it can, it can feel like to project that as the ideal for us in such a busy time in our lives, like such a full, a full time, maybe not, not necessarily busy, but a really full time in our lives. It particularly in our thirties where, you know, we're working, we're taking care of other people.
Um, we're kind of really figuring out what we like and who we are. In the most truest way to actually add in that idea that we should have one, like a group of friends that we're super tight with. It's just so like exhausting. Yeah. And so it's an unrealistic expectation. Although like, I totally know people who have, you know, groups of friends and they do like every birthday together and every everything together.
And I do. I mean, you know, I think that's great. I just think sometimes to put the pressure of like, that's the ideal is not. Always helpful or Eve it's also not even right. You know, I, yeah. I don't know. I think I've definitely, it definitely connect with the idea of like, you see people connecting like that on that level.
And I even, if, even if I'm not friends with those people or even have any desire to be in like friendship with those people, you can kind of find yourself still. Um, feeling like there's something wrong with you. And that's probably just my own baggage on a certain level of, I don't know. No, I just feel like it it's so healthy that Heather has sad to know that she's actually not sick in that anymore.
She's really just sick in those relationships where she feels that tray connection and that's super brave to do because that's, that's kind of a long game. It's not in friendship to really feel like you have a true connection. Um, and I think that those circles become so much smaller and smaller and smaller as the years go on.
And as your capacity decreases in lots of ways to mentee and relationships. Um, and that's absolutely good and right. And true, but what I would, what I'm really interested in and what I would really like to do is to make all the people that I love the most friends with each other,
like that to me is Nirvana. I'm just like, but at the same time, I also. And I have to really hold back on conjuring some of that up because all I want to do is match-make my friends with each other. That's all I want to do, because I know that you would get on really well with Michelle and that. You know, I don't know, like I know all of the, like these friends that I have and all of these little pockets of my life.
Yeah. That represents something on are really important. I know that they would get on with each other so much. And I just like, what, but they live all over all over the world or they, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I wish I could make it happen. Do you have people where you're like, you really trust their taste and people are like, if there's certain people, when they tell you, Oh, you should get together with this person.
Or I really want you to meet this person you're automatically like, kind of in, because you really trust that friend. Yeah. Are you really in, because you you're mostly have, are averse to any of that kind of like controlling. If you tell me that I should, then I'm going to go ahead and rebel against you.
It takes a very special person or like a certain level of friendship, like, cause it wasn't any grand for which is what I I'm like. I don't, I really don't like being told what to do on less. Someone makes it makes me feel like. I am so unique and special. I should meet this other super unique and special person person.
So there's, it's, it's a catch 22. It's not a catch 22. It's just, there's a balance that needs to be there. I am not just going to like broad stroke, meet everyone and anyone, and do whatever people tell me to do. That's never going to happen, but I also feel like. You know, when you have, you're having like separate conversations with several of your friends up the same thing.
Yeah. It takes everything within me to not be like, okay, let's set up a zoom where all of us are going to talk about this. And in my head, I'm going, and then everybody's going to be friends and then we're all going to get to hang out and it's just going to be beautiful. That's, you know, that's ideal for me, but then I've also been on the receiving end of that, where someone has been like, right.
You like to start this. Like collective conversation about this particular thing. And Dave tried to bring all of their friends and they've included me in that, which is an honor, I will say. But also I just, it makes me want to run a mile because I'm just like, I can't even keep up with the friends that I have, nevermind.
Introduce these new, but then at the same time, I'm like, what if I really connect with somebody tonight? So yeah, it's hard to win. That's it. I didn't know what to do. It is. It's just striking the right balance. But I will say if you ever have a discussion group with your close friends and you want to invite me over zoom, I would be more than fine with that.
Which yeah. I mean, like it depends. I would, I really thought you would not be okay with that. I feel like the level where I would really trust you with that, you know? Um, all right. So on Wednesday
I'll be there and he's like, Oh no, no, no. Don't make plans. So don't make the plans. I really was just saying, Oh man, well, should we just do this last one from Avril? Cause I thought it was super. Just warm and fuzzy and a really like happy note to end on. So, Hm. I've literally met my bestie during lockdown or the quote parks and recreations lesbian.
My ramble infused space. Unicorn, are you working from home? Want to grab a wee outdoor coffee with the neighbor? Same progressed into coffee everyday. I doors. Then indoors then at the weekends, fan hikes and walks or wise, we shared our love of coffee, our appreciation for sugar, leaving treats and good food.
Whether both or me it's unboxed sets, it's being authentic. It's being raw. Full of tears and belly laugh. Thank you. Lock dying. Oh, Oh, just, uh, just the loveliest. So I feel like that's our story too, because we started really video messaging on Marco polo at the beginning of lockdown. And we were, I mean, we were obviously always had, like, we had gotten coffee before, but like, that was kind of when we started talking every day and.
I do think sometimes just being kind of thrown out of your natural environment, kind of makes you see the people who are around you that you actually connect with. And like, who do I actually want to tell about this thing that happened to me today is always, I think, a really revealing thing about who your people are, whether they're in your life or, or like, you know, in where the town, where you live or whether they're overseas or whatever, I think.
You find yourself being like, Oh, this person is the person I want to talk to you about this. And it can kind of take you by surprise in a really, really pleasant way. Absolutely. And you got to always be open to that. And I love that for Avril. It was a neighbor. Yeah. It was just a neighbor. I mean, how can I get for lockdown, especially?
Absolutely. I mean, I have some of the best neighbors in the world who have become. My, some of my closest people, we, we live in the best street in the entire year. That's true. I'm very jealous of it. Um, but that's so cool. And I think just kind of as Testament to the fact that even as grownups friendship can be.
Surprising it can. And if you think about it, Leslie. Nope. And, and we're in their midlife when they became best friends. So there's hope for all of us. Absolutely. Is, um, your, um, by the way, I'm Leslie. Oh 100%. I'm not even gonna pretend to be Leslie. Now I will always pretend to be Leslie NOFA. Okay. Listen, we're going to leave that there, but we, again, just want to say a massive thank you to everybody who emailed us, who some people emailed it with their thoughts, some people, um, Send us DMS.
And for all of the, all of you that sent voice notes, um, we just so, so appreciate hearing from you. We appreciate you listening every week and sending us messages, telling us where you are, keep doing that. It's so encouraging and amazing to connect with you, and please feel free to. Uh, leave us a review and subscribe and all of that stuff on Apple as well.
Um, and that is us for another week of, uh, Making An Effort Podcast. Goodbye. Bye.
